Useless...

Song of the day:
Linkin Park
"Shadow Of The Day"

I've been enjoying lazy weeks for quite some time now.

I know I've things to do but...

I'm pushing it further away just for the sake of enjoying a pretty relaxing month as usual.

And of late, I've been meeting some old friends.

Some are my old friends as in peers who are with me for quite a long time now.

Some are friends who are younger than me but who also are with me for quite a long time.

I've met them, chatted with them about everything revolving the past and present.

But I don't initiate topics especially about my future.

I don't know why.

Maybe I'm clueless about it.

And I'm somehow suffering from it.

Looking back at my history, I have to be honest that I've not been a very successful man.

I'm just a very quiet man who enjoy minimal success but love the happy days and always thinking back of the happy days.

I'm nostalgic in some ways.

I refuse to see the optimism of the future.

I look a yard further than a lot of people but what I see is pessimism.

It's no coincidence that I fear for the future as pessimism is the theme of what I see in the future.

I think a lot, maybe a lot of crap but I rarely move to act.

And the word useless is creeping in. So does the word "old".

The older the person is, the more he should achieve.

But in my case, it's just so damn opposite to what a person should be at my age.

Money: none.

Job: none.

Ambition: Sort of none.

Looks: none.

Personality: none.

Character: none.

Partner: none.

So, the word "useless" seems appropriate to be used on me.

I've tonnes of evidence to prove that I'm useless.

One clear example would be as follow.

I just had yumcha session with my godsister (whom I fancy a few years ago).

I know I still have some feelings for her.

She rejected me a few years ago with a lame reason (excuse maybe) that there is a lack of chemistry between us.

Fast-forwarding to year 2007, she just announced in that yumcha session that he had a new boyfriend whom she met only since February 2007.

I was a bit annoyed.

I felt stupid, useless, foolish... anything negative adjectives that can be used here to describe me.

So, I was thinking that: why he can take her in an instant and I've to work for a year to make my confession but still got rejected?

Am I useless?

Am I really that damn useless?

Oh yeah I admit I'm useless. :(

I've been feeling a bit down since that yumcha session, even though I still put a happy face on show.

I know I'm pretty sad inside of me.

And I guess I'm the most boring person in the world.

I seldom travel. I seldom have fun.

I'm always alone when I go out.

I love to stick with small group of people only.

And that sounds so like a social misfit.

Whenever I see people enjoying lives by going out travelling, I have a sense of "awwwwww".

They can do it easily. Why can't I?

One word... useless.

I just can't seem to get to be useful.

I've been a "protector" of my home for years now.

Sigh.

I don't know how to live my life anymore.

Sadness is killing me. Pessimism is consuming me.

Pathetic. Really pathetic.

I'm tired...

Song of the day:
Melee
"Built To Last"

I'm tired.

Well, literally and figuratively.

Tired is a word that is used quite often to stress a person's fading physical condition which requires the rest and relaxation of body.

Tired, in another way, is also applied in a way such that it stresses on a person's fading enthusiasm in certain things in life.

I'm tired, indeed.

Well, I've lived 23 years on this planet.

I've seen a lot. I've heard a lot. I've thought a lot.

I'm tired.

My life is just a routine of activities.

But I'm not tired of routine.

What I'm tired of is...

1. the recurring failure in certain things in life (i.e. romance, dreams, wishes)
2. the unjust and bias world that would return to the dark age very soon
3. having to live through what I don't really like
4. having to bear the burden of social norm (which I rate as "not the best option")

I always think a lot before I go into deep sleep.

I guess that's the reason why I suffer from insomniac so often.

But it's difficult for me to get a peace of mind as I love to think of stuff.

I realise that I've been pretty useless in romance.

People might say my destiny hasn't arrived yet but I used to have the belief that people have to strive to have a lifetime partner.

But now I'm tired of that belief and with the recurring failure I face in this aspect, I alter it and now it'll be 5 years of "no relationship whatsoever" period for me.

I also realise that the world is extremely or I should say super duper complicated and unjust.

Religion is a sensitive issue which has been manipulated by a lot of the so-called "religious scholars".

I also believe that the dark age is coming very soon.

Maybe not in my lifetime, but most likely it'll happen in a century's time.

People's mind are easily corrupted by words from books and by other influential people.

Once people are influenced, they hardly return to their usual self.

Sigh.

Changes is also something which I'm tired of.

Ya, people say changes are always for the better.

But to me, changes are not always for the better and changes would lead to too many consequences.

If the Earth is a person, she would say that "I want to remain my own self!".

Humans are the roots of the Earth's slow and significant destruction.

Humans cannot blame other humans about this. They can only blame themselves.

Sigh.

Are you tired?

I'm tired...