Useless...

Song of the day:
Linkin Park
"Shadow Of The Day"

I've been enjoying lazy weeks for quite some time now.

I know I've things to do but...

I'm pushing it further away just for the sake of enjoying a pretty relaxing month as usual.

And of late, I've been meeting some old friends.

Some are my old friends as in peers who are with me for quite a long time now.

Some are friends who are younger than me but who also are with me for quite a long time.

I've met them, chatted with them about everything revolving the past and present.

But I don't initiate topics especially about my future.

I don't know why.

Maybe I'm clueless about it.

And I'm somehow suffering from it.

Looking back at my history, I have to be honest that I've not been a very successful man.

I'm just a very quiet man who enjoy minimal success but love the happy days and always thinking back of the happy days.

I'm nostalgic in some ways.

I refuse to see the optimism of the future.

I look a yard further than a lot of people but what I see is pessimism.

It's no coincidence that I fear for the future as pessimism is the theme of what I see in the future.

I think a lot, maybe a lot of crap but I rarely move to act.

And the word useless is creeping in. So does the word "old".

The older the person is, the more he should achieve.

But in my case, it's just so damn opposite to what a person should be at my age.

Money: none.

Job: none.

Ambition: Sort of none.

Looks: none.

Personality: none.

Character: none.

Partner: none.

So, the word "useless" seems appropriate to be used on me.

I've tonnes of evidence to prove that I'm useless.

One clear example would be as follow.

I just had yumcha session with my godsister (whom I fancy a few years ago).

I know I still have some feelings for her.

She rejected me a few years ago with a lame reason (excuse maybe) that there is a lack of chemistry between us.

Fast-forwarding to year 2007, she just announced in that yumcha session that he had a new boyfriend whom she met only since February 2007.

I was a bit annoyed.

I felt stupid, useless, foolish... anything negative adjectives that can be used here to describe me.

So, I was thinking that: why he can take her in an instant and I've to work for a year to make my confession but still got rejected?

Am I useless?

Am I really that damn useless?

Oh yeah I admit I'm useless. :(

I've been feeling a bit down since that yumcha session, even though I still put a happy face on show.

I know I'm pretty sad inside of me.

And I guess I'm the most boring person in the world.

I seldom travel. I seldom have fun.

I'm always alone when I go out.

I love to stick with small group of people only.

And that sounds so like a social misfit.

Whenever I see people enjoying lives by going out travelling, I have a sense of "awwwwww".

They can do it easily. Why can't I?

One word... useless.

I just can't seem to get to be useful.

I've been a "protector" of my home for years now.

Sigh.

I don't know how to live my life anymore.

Sadness is killing me. Pessimism is consuming me.

Pathetic. Really pathetic.